Sleepless in Chicago

When my kids were babies, well meaning people would tell me, “Don’t worry. This is just a season. Someday you’ll sleep through the night again.”

They lied.

Our nights are a combination of musical beds, an episode of House, and a bad Lifetime movie. Maybe a little situation comedy thrown in. During the day the nights seem like a dream, and I recall them with a twinge of shame. I resolve to do better the next night. Go to bed earlier. Make the kids stay in their own beds. Not give in to unreasonable demands. 

Maybe I could do that if I wasn’t do damn tired.

Last night was typical. Jude was up when I came home from my meeting at about 9:30. Don was programming music bedside while Jude sang along with The Go Gos with his headphones hooked up to his IPAD. This does not bode well. At least he’s happy. Eden is asleep and Sage is watching tv in our room. The dog is hiding because Jude is singing really, really loudly.

We get Jude to turn off the lights and try to go to sleep. We promise him that he never, ever has to go to school again, as long as he lives, and tomorrow he can buy whatever he wants from the Toysrus in Highland Park. We do that a lot. Promise him stuff. We’re desperate people who will say or do anything. When Jude was four I told a therapist I’d give him a beer if he’d just sleep. She told me if she were me, she probably would, too. He’s just that hyper.

So Don and I settle down on the couch with Sage, who turns the tv off and starts to tell us about his latest girlfriend, who looks and acts just like the last girlfriend, which is basically semi illiterate teenager with labile emotions and clothes that are in my opinion, way too tight. We listen, just like we did last night, and the night before. We encourage him to focus on his schoolwork and respect himself and to grow as a person and to not get anyone pregnant. He goes to bed. Jude starts to yell.

He needs french fries. He WANTS french fries, just as badly as I want to watch tv and have a five minute conversation with Don. Don sighs and puts his jacket on. Off to Uptown Barbecue. Don calls ahead. “Hi, order for pick up, large extra crispy fries?” “Okay, Don.” They know us there. That’s embarrassing in itself.

The whole time Don is gone Jude is yelling about french fries. I tell him they are on their way, and as far as I know, no one ever died of need for french fries. This does not go over well.”FRENCH FRIES!!!” God..okay, french fries.

Don gets back with the french fries. He puts them in a bowl and hands them to Jude and flops on the couch. From the other room: “Can I eat it?” Yes, Jude, you can eat it. “Can I eat it?” Yes, Jude, you can eat it. We do this up to five times. 

It is quiet for awhile. We watch tv, talking and/or dozing. It’s okay. We know we have all night to spend together, because the fun is just beginning.

BLANKET ON YOU!!! BLANKET ON YOU!!! from the other room. I go in and fix his blanket. “Let’s get you cozy..” Jude says. Okay, fine, cozy. God he’s cute, which is good. It saves his life on a regular basis.

Jude might be asleep. We might be, too. “AAAAAUUUGGGHHH a scary lobster!!!!” God. Don goes in and looks around for lobsters. There are no lobsters. Thank heaven for that. “Jude Hills don’t like lobsters.” Yeah, we remember that about you. No lobsters.

We get into our pajamas and start talking. We keep talking. Don talks to me about Facebook. I hate it when he reads to me off social media. Seriously don’t care what some ambient artist in Sweden is doing, just like Don probably doesn’t care what some guy on the street said about my dreads today. It’s just that he’s nicer than I am. We are laughing and talking like kids. We should be sleeping, but there are no kids in here. Even the dog is leaving us alone for once.

We are talking in the dark and truthfully things could lead somewhere. We start kissing. We have to be careful. We sneak around like naughty teenagers, which is kind of hot to tell you the truth.Jude’s room is connected to ours and no one wants a repeat of the “wait that’s not Don’s hand on my hair” incident. “Mama! What are you doing???” Who knew Jude could be so stealthy? We need a separate room designated for romance, with a really good lock. Asa the respite care worker could come over to watch the kids for an hour while we go to the special room of love. That wouldn’t be awkward at all. Heh.

Just as things are getting fun, the door to the hallway opens and bright light shines on our faces. Eden is standing in the doorway with his eyes closed. He opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. He shakes his head, and shuts the door. 

“Don, he’s sleep walking again. Don! Don is kissing my ear and pretending not to hear me. “Don!” Don suggests that Eden will be fine, the neighbors usually bring him back. “DON!” I shove him and he shakes his head sadly. 

When Don comes back he tells me that Eden was near the kitchen when apprehended and brought back to go to the bathroom and be tucked back into bed. Only this has woken him up, so Don goes into Jude’s room to put a sleeping bag on the floor for Eden, who is now too freaked out to sleep in his own room.

We get him settled, and decide to go for a snuggle instead. “DADDY!!!” Yes, Jude. “Time to watch Pokemon Hero!!” Great. Now we have to recite Pokemon. It’s 1:30. 

The theme music starts up. Jude is singing Gotta Catch ‘Em All..”I know it’s my destineeee…” I wish sleep was my destiny. Or sex. Nah, just sleep.

SIT ON MAMAS LAPTOP!! that means, come in with your laptop and try to write while I demand you name Pokemons with me.

Is it Wobbufett? “yes, Jude, it’s Wobbefett. “Is it Wobbefett?” “Yep, Wobbefett.” We do this about four or five time until I miraculously get the inflection right and he is satisfied. I have to live all the drama with him, “OH NO!! They got bulbasoar” It’s okay. They’ll find him. This lasts about an hour.

He seems like he’s drifting off. I go back into our room where Don is working on music. I can’t write in between middle of the night Jude care needs. I just zone out in front of the tv. I love infomercials. Don has to hide the debit card. Everything looks so useful and life changing at 2 in the morning. Once I almost ordered an expandable hose that grows to like 100 feet. We live in high rise. I get very suggestible late at night.

Don and I start talking and I tell him I am going to blog about our crazy nights. I ask him to take a picture of me dozing on the couch. I have my glasses on though, and when he shows me the photo I look like this weird mound of melting alien flesh with glowing eyes.

Everything is hysterical at 3 a.m. We start laughing and can’t stop. Soon we are punching each other and rolling around on the couch. Someone, I won’t say who, farts, and hilarity ensues.

From the other room we hear..”It hurts…” Yep. Time for Jude’s pain meds. It’s four a.m. I fall asleep on the couch for awhile while Don deals with that. At five I wake up to go to the bathroom and Don is still working on his music. I go into the bathroom. I am sitting there, half asleep, when the door opens.

Don is standing there.

“Yes?” I say. 

“I just realized that today’s date is the Fibonacci sequence.”

“and”

“It’s just, cool.”

God we’re tired.

I go back to the couch and turn on my crime channel. Wives With Knives is on. I fall asleep to that, and at seven a.m. I wake up and realize that Eden is sitting on the couch next to me watching Southern Fried Homicide: Dates From Hell. 

Time to get ready for school. Sage is running late and the dog is freaking out to go outside. My mother, God bless her, already has Eden’s lunch made and his clothes ready for him to get dressed. After they are all gone Jude yells that he needs me. I grab a blanket and fall asleep on the floor next to Jude’s bed.  Don is at the computer, programming music. Jude and I will wake up about noon, and we’ll all get ready to go to the doctor. They’ll probably ask us how’s he’s sleeping. I already have a text from Jude’s teacher. “Is Jude coming to school tomorrow?” “Maybe” I text back. It would be great if we could manage it. Then I could get some work done. 

Or take a nap.